A Glimpse Into Their State of Mind

I must give clear credit to Reddit/veteran subreddit for this content. These aren’t suicide notes, but loud and clear calls for help. We are trying to answer them and we hope you hear them, too.  

What follows are posts with a headline and the full text of their posts. There are plenty of supportive comments and helpful resources found there as well. This post could be 10X as long and it never ends.

Updated 10/29/2019

I See Why

After the last three months I’ve had. It becomes apparent why there are 22 of us a day that commit suicide. I feel completely and utterly defeated. I have called the crisis line in the past and got essentially turned away by behavioral health today.

Damn, why does this have to be so hard?

I hurt so much.

I’ve Had Enough

My landlord just raised my rent by $500.00 a month, so I’m going to be homeless. I have a sick wife(dying). I don’t work, I’m my wife’s care giver and I don’t know what to do! The only thing I can think of is to kill myself, I’m worth more dead than alive, so my wife would be taken care of! I am a disabled combat vet but only rated at 60% do not enough coming in!

Just came here to say thank you all for your support, but I’m checking out! I just need to say I’m sorry I’m weak and can’t take any more of this life! I hope y’all make it, I guess I died in Iraq and my body just doesn’t know it yet, well maybe tonight is the night!

I’ve taken 120 Oxy and I’m drinking a fifth of Fireball and toking out, at least il go out numb…………

I feel like offing myself will eventually be my go to choice

Ever since I got let go from the military I haven’t been able to bounce back. It’s been almost two years now. I use to work 12 hrs day plus weekends while in and hardly complained. Almost like I thrived on it. People would love me for just doing what I was told, just doing my job. And now, just like /u/brokentoy324, I’m also bumming it with my parents just feeling dead inside. It’s like I can’t bounce back from this.

I worry that, no matter what I do, I’ll never be happy. I’ve tried taking road trips, hell I even got on tinder during some of these road trips and hooked up with a few but there’s just no joy in it all. At the end of the day, I’m still me, still dealing with my problems. I could go to school, obtain a degree, get a nice paying job and that won’t change who I am as a person. That miserable, negative old shit that I am will still be there.

I finally got my motorcycle up and running. Lane splitting, weaving in and out of traffic, it should make me feel alive, make me feel good but not having any music and just having all that wind noise, it’s easy to zone out and start thinking negatively again. haha no, I wouldn’t do anything careless as crashing my bike into a wall or something, I’d do it at home with a helium bag that’s the responsible way to go I think.

I say it’s my dogs that are keeping me alive right now. I don’t care much for my family (not married nor have kids). My dad thinks I should have kids and that would all of a sudden fix everything, that’s some pretty fucked up logic which I just don’t want to take a gamble on. I sometimes look at how depressed and sad my dogs are stuck at home sometimes. Imagine your kid wanting you to take him places but you don’t want to tell him your anxiety is too bad to take him anywhere, that sounds horrible.

I ended things with my ex on good terms, she’s a good person. Maybe I could drop the dogs off while she’s at work, leave some extra bags of dog food and leave her some money for being able to take care of the dogs. I’m sure the dogs would be sad not seeing me anymore but I think they’d be a lot happier in an environment that isn’t so negative and depressing.

That’s my problem, I’m just too damn negative. My ex told me my negativity was rubbing off on her and her daughter and it was making her depressed and stressing her out. Which is really sad to hear because they’re the most positive and happy people I know. If they can’t help me, then I dont know what will.

This is more of a vent than anything. I’m seeking care at the VA. I go to the gym ( although I go late when nobody is there), I try to do things, I try to take my dogs to the dog park and try to socialize with other people but I’m just pretty miserable at the end of the day.

If i cant be happy with myself, or if I can’t be comfortable around other people which will make it hard to be myself, then I see myself continuing to live a pretty miserable life and that’s just not something I want to deal with.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you’re running a marathon, and you’re just miserable the entire time, you know you’re not going to win first place, or even 20th place. Some people do 5k’s for fun but you, no everything about it is just miserable, why finish the run? why not just throw in the towel and call it quits now? why endure through all that shittiness when there’s no end in sight? I’m not trying to write the same damn message about the same thing 5, 10, 15 years from now.

Edit: thanks for the kind words everyone. Maybe I will go for a drive today, I don’t live too far from the coast so maybe I’ll take the dogs out there and try to enjoy the day or something.

fear/depression that is not rage.

Thanks for reading I know this is kind of open ended but I am struggling to put my thoughts into words.

Semper Fi

I hit rock bottom.

I found out last Sunday that I had lost yet another brother from my unit. I’m so tired, exhausted, drained from having to mourn some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met over and over and over again. I broke. I never told anyone how many of my brothers I lost but I lost track after 7 or 8.

These were people I would die for. And they wouldve done the same for me. Luckily I sought out my family because I was eyeballing my 9mm really weirdly and they put it in safekeeping and spent the rest of the day hanging out with me. I’m still mourning but I just wanted to say that whether I lose one from combat, suicide, car accident, it doesn’t matter, the pain is the same.

I’m angry that my family will never understand the bond. That not to be rude but I loved them more than anyone in my family. I get frustrated when someone in my house complains to me about work when I get home. I want to punch them in the face sometimes but luckily/unluckily the meds they have me on sedate me enough to not go full rage. Leaving the door open, leaving dishes in the sink, not locking the door at night. Small details that are never paid attention to. Everyone has no structure or honesty.

I’m falling apart.

What’s up. I’ll start out by saying I am not suicidal and I do not harbor any violent thoughts towards other people. I have had a rough couple of years and I think it is all catching up to me. On the outside one would think I have a great life. I have a beautiful family, I don’t have to work unless I want too, I live in a gorgeous part of the US, and I am returning to school at the end of the month. The problem is anger and depression.

In the last 6 years I lost both of my parents to some really random shit. My father died 6 year ago to mesothelioma and I lost my mother last year to CJD (ultra rare brain disease). To add some fuel to the fire my wife is struggling with chronic Lyme disease. I have PTSD and I usually have a pretty solid handle on it. Lately I have been slipping deeper into depression. With depression comes anger. I yell at my kids for kid shit and push my wife away.

I am going to my first VA mental health appointment in 8 years tomorrow and I don’t even know where to start. Last time I did anything with them it was a disaster. I tried prolonged exposure therapy and it just made things worse. My PTSD is not from just one incident. I think it is from the constant state of heightened awareness that comes with a combat deploymen. I think I need a way to cope with the emotional response I have to fear/depression that is not rage.

Thanks for reading I know this is kind of open ended but I am struggling to put my thoughts into words.

Semper Fi

Vets Being Gatekeepers

Since I’ve been out I’ve noticed the first thing a lot of veterans ask when they meet each other is what branch, what was your mos, did you deploy, when did you deploy, etc. And they only use the answers as a way to put themselves above other vets or judge them. A large group seems to be out there that only served to say that they did and to lord it over other people.

A lot of veterans end up killing themselves because they feel like they didnt do anything, they are unfulfilled, they joined for a brotherhood but when they reach out they are met with veterans just claiming they had it harder. And these gatekeeping fucks are the same ones that get huge IGY6 tattoos and buy a bracelet when someone they barely knew dies, posting snapchats of it saying things like “reach out if you need anything brothers,” and long paragraphs talking about how hard their lives were, but not to actually help veterans but to be edgelords hoping girls that turned them down in HS will message them. It’s one if the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen.

Now I also want to say that yes of course veterans who have been forward deployed to a combat zone probably receive the best help from other veterans who have been through the same experience and I’m so happy that these supoort groups exist. But the disgusting culture that seems to be growing is really troubling and I think contributes to more suicides than anything else.

If you’re not like that I’m not talking about you, but I’m sure we all know these guys that basically pray for someone they know to kill themselves so that they can rock a bracelet at bars. To you that are out there, go fuck yourselves, you are worse than any VA failure or a million narcasitic leaders.

I’m not the most articulate guy and maybe I’m just seeing a vocal minority, which makes sense considering those guys are probably the ones that use social media the most and crave the attention. I hope that’s the case.

11 years ago today my baby brother committed suicide after he ETS’d.

the night i told our mom, she told me i was now an only child.

i’m since divorced, unemployed, and transient.

i deal with it day by day.

The VA has only seemed to make it worse.

if i could do anything today i would be with him.

if i can’t be with him, i would like to help someone like him.

just to talk them and to listen to them.

to you.

can you relate? talk with me?

if this is the wrong forum, where might i try?

this isn’t a cry for help; this is an aging veteran looking to talk to another.

thanks.

USArmy Enlisted ’01-’05

How do I stay strong?

I just let all my anger out outside in the middle of a thunderstorm looking like an idiot and Im soaking wet and drunk amd how do yall do it? Im useless. Why is the team I trained downrange right nke while I go to college? Why is my bighest wkrry foguring out where my classes are while soldiers are dying from ymunit. I threw the alcohol away, dont worry. Why was my number not calledm? Why am i considered disabled but peiple who were shot sre rated less than me? Why? Im not getting better. Im going to the va for therapy but i never got shot at. I never depooyed. So why? What are my orders? Where dobi fall in at? Cause this college shit aint working yet i cant even run so I cant join the army again and what the hell do I fmdo? Im not suicidal ya not so dumb bot im airborne. Theres a didfference. One kills ya fast and the other kills ya slowly over tine. Im sorry. That wasnt right. No one understands. How am i the oldest in all my classes? I miss that feeling of exiting a blackhawk or chinook and all the brush and trees just blow away it seems. Then the silence once it leaves. Now it is cslar horns and entitled kids. I used to be fun. I used to be a ok. Now im pathetic. Stay strong l, dont be like me. I rant every month it seems. Va therapy sucks. Feel liek im talking to a cardboard cutout of CSM telling me to reenlist airborne cause of that $.50 bonus. Thank you for your service. I mean it.

My husband called the veteran suicide hotline for me. I feel so defeated right now.

I was having panic attacks back to back ( I have panic disorder). I was medically retired from the AF in March. I planned on taking my terminal leave to reset. That was a mistake. I just really had time to think about what a failure I am. I freaked out. I went to inpatient last May and I don’t know if I should revisit it. My husband called the hotline while I was on the phone with him. He’s active duty and TDY. He called them and told them of i wasn’t able to talk or he felt I was still going to hurt myself, he was calling my friends to come to the house. One to take care of the pets and one to take me to the hospital. I was upset. I don’t have many friends on island. I felt like a huge burden to everyone. It’s hard to see the light when I keep relapsing. My husband deserves better. He’s a great man.

ABOUT ONCE A SOLDIER

Our Veterans are killing themselves in record numbers mostly due to PTSD. An overmatched VA can’t take care of them or their families. We will.

Soldier suicide leaves Veteran families with thousands of dollars of bills unpaid, mostly bank loans.

We are the only nonprofit standing with the families after a veteran suicide. Stand with us.

Our Mission: Become the preferred channel for donors, advocates and volunteers who care about veteran families left behind after a soldier suicide.

Book a Presentation

Jamie Brunette

Veteran suicide comes from all parts of the military. Learn more about how to stop it, PTSD therapies and more. Send us an email at team@onceasoldier.org.